By Chiwuike Uba
Recently, I had a conversation with someone and in that conversation, it was very evident that the person was not feeling fulfilled, as if something was missing. In retrospect, I found that this person had expressed the same sentiment on a number of occasions. When I asked the reasons for this feeling, I was told: ‘I am destined for something greater. I want to do something different in my life, and sometimes I have no idea what I want or why I’m unfulfilled’.
The truth is most people feel confused at some point in their lives and feel emptiness and unfulfillment in life. No matter the reason, if you happen to want more from life, then you know it’s time to start a path in a new direction.
There are all sorts of reasons people feel emptiness and unfulfillment in life. This may range from a slight dissatisfaction to a full-fledged existential crisis. Firstly, we feel naturally empty and unfulfilled when we have not discovered our unique purpose in life or have lost our sense of purpose. Most of the time, we are entangled in the pursuit of our dreams and desires, without necessarily working in line with our unique purpose in life.
The truth is, everyone has an innate need for purpose, which is to understand who you are and also to contribute to something greater than yourself. Unfortunately, a lot of us live without really knowing where they stand in the world and why they exist. We often follow the path that is presented to us and follow other people’s expectations, without recognizing our own path. Pathetic!
Living authentically brings a sense of fulfillment and lack of it makes us feel empty and unfulfilled in life. When you don’t understand the things that make you happy, you can go in millions of different directions. You experience an existential crisis and end up pursuing other people’s dreams without taking the time to make yours come true. It takes intention to build the life that you actually want, or rather need.
You need to proactively find out who you are in order to stop feeling unfulfilled. Who are you? Why do you exist in life? At other times, we ignore our inner wisdom in our desire to belong and be like others. In most cases, this leads to a struggle with overthinking. Overthinking creates a cycle of anxiety and worry that often makes things much worse than the problem itself – leading you to begin to feel unfulfilled.
People often feel unfulfilled in life when their actions are inconsistent with their fundamental/core values. In other words, those ideals that are most important to you. When you have a clear understanding of your core values, you naturally head in a direction that is unique to you. When you don’t, you derail and don’t get to know what’s important; hence, move in different uncoordinated directions. Most of us do not even know what is important because we lack fundamental/core values. It is easier to make decisions that correspond to who you actually are when you have core values and beliefs. Core values enable you to know when to say ‘Yes’ or when to say ‘No’. It will also help others know what to expect of you. Over time, this consistency will build a life that corresponds to your core beliefs, and finally brings joy, purpose and fulfillment.
Many people get stuck on the “dreaming” phase of pursuing their dreams, wishing and wanting without ever taking action. When your goals are too vague, there will be a strong probability that you will struggle to turn your dreams into reality. Achieving big dreams generally requires a lot of work, time and commitment. To be accomplished and fulfilled, you have to move from dream to action.
Not the usual wishful thinking embedded in procrastination – ‘I go do am later’. Devote a certain amount of time, daily or weekly, to completing every step toward the realization of your dreams. Establish a deadline for completion of each step, with sufficient space and flexibility. Toxic environments, stagnancy, crazy hours can also suck the joy of our souls, and ultimately lead to exhaustion, burnout, depression and unfulfillment.
The answer I got earlier had to do with unrealized potential. It’s more based on loss of confidence, missed opportunities, and settling for less than the life plan when the person was younger. So there seems to be some doubt about the ability to be successful. It is not too late to start taking full advantage of the untapped potential. Interestingly, in comparison to your younger self, you are expected to have more knowledge, skills and life experience to draw from now. All you need is to concentrate on building your strengths, not eliminating your weaknesses.
Bad habits are replaced not necessarily eliminated. Realise where you fail, and accept them as portions of yourself, but not who you are. You don’t need to be perfect all the time and in everything! Be your own cheerleader, celebrate what you have accomplished and recognize your hard work. Most importantly, embrace who you are and let your authentic self to shine! As you practice these activities, you will gain confidence in yourself and your own abilities. You will overcome self-doubt and approach new challenges with confidence.
If you find yourself unfulfillment, take a look at your relationships. Maybe the time has come to leave some people. When you bottle your emotions, they tend to reappear in unhealthy ways, such as passive aggressive responses. When you develop a habit of communicating passively, aggressively or passively-aggressively, adopt an assertive approach. It creates a climate of mutual respect where both sides feel heard and comfortable speaking honestly. Learn to say “no”, speak honestly about your feelings and listen when other people talk.
As well, learn to define and respect boundaries. Stay permanently away from those momentary pleasure that is eating away your time to pursue and fulfil your purpose. Not challenging oneself to great tasks leads to a feeling of emptiness and unfulfillment. You will never build the life you want by acting safe and staying within the walls of your comfort zone. Life is a risky business. That doesn’t mean you have to jump in head first. When major changes frighten you, take one step at a time. Be adventurous is not about taking risky negative activities!
Out of fear of failing or making mistakes, many people who feel unfulfilled never take big steps towards their goal. When you chase great dreams or a new direction, you will make mistakes. It is natural and almost the only way to learn and grow like no one else. Rather than waiting for perfection, open yourself to the possibility that you may not do anything right on your first try. Give yourself enough room to make mistakes and consider them an opportunity to learn how to improve.
Fulfillment starts with finding that balance between what you can and cannot control. That means taking a radical responsibility for your behaviors and your decisions. Rather than blaming everything and everyone, you have to change the victim mentality and learn to take control of your life. Honestly ask yourself whether you are fully engaged in professional, academic and family life. Ask yourself if you eat the right foods and have sufficient rest; if you manage your money responsibly and make small strides toward your goals. Major changes are not simple.
It’s simple to say you’ll do something. The other thing is to do that. We’ve all tried to postpone something for tomorrow and said, “I’ll do it tomorrow”. Sadly, some of the most common time stealers are Instagram, WhatsApp, Facebook and Twitter. Simply put, check out how much time you spend on social media and internet each day. You’ll find out if you got a problem.
Maybe you plan on working on your personal projects at night or during the weekend, but you end up on pressing your phone or only have fun with your friends and family. This is not a question of neglecting people or being able to do only one thing. It’s about getting a better sense of yourself and your habits and developing strategies to address your challenges. Inability to address the challenges deepens and expands your state of emptiness and unfulfillment in life.
There are many people with ideas. Some ideas are wonderful and some are not. Often, however, it is not about the idea itself. If you set out to do something, but don’t finish it, then, it doesn’t come without a cost. In your mind, it might just be the idea that never goes any further. Actually, it can be more than just not finishing a project. Humans are creatures of habit. If you decide to do something and then fail to complete it once or twice, it slowly becomes a habit – a bad habit. It is not a good thing to be known as a starter who abandons projects halfway just to begin another. Once you begin to feel that you can do nothing, then you will feel unfulfilled. The good news is, we can break habits and start new ones. Take back control and finish your projects, whether big or small. You will see that you may start being fulfilled.
A lot of people can be present without really being present. If you feel distant from yourself, then you have the idea. You may go to work, events, meet friends and stay with family when your mind is not really there at all. It can come from something deeper like a lack of purpose, but it might also be as simple as remembering why you do the stuff you do on a daily basis. Ultimately, an unfulfilled life amounts to asking difficult questions and reacting to what you discover.
Discover why you feel empty and unfulfilled in life and change those habits fueling them. The fundamental principle you must follow if you plan for happiness, success and fulfillment in your life is to realize and accept that you are fully responsible for your life. Making excuses or blaming others instead of taking one hundred percent responsibility for your emotions, actions, thoughts, and goals are the hallmark of people who fail to succeed both in their professional and personal lives. Eliminate blame, eliminate excuses, and take responsibility. Seek support from others if need be. Think again! God is with us!
…Dr. Chiwuike Uba is a public and social analyst
